Victoria Vitale N. Bhandari
English Composition 1030
29 November, 2018
Double the Parents = Double The Success?
For many years, growing up in a single-parent family has been a foreign idea to most. However, it is not just a concept, but it is also extremely prevalent. In today’s society, many children have grown up to become emotionally stable and successful whether they have had one parent, or two parents to show them the rocky path that life bestows upon all human beings. The argument that arises from most people deals with the difference of how children are raised by single parents versus how children are raised by both a mother and a father (or two parents in general). This problem tends to raise a commonly asked question regarding single-parent families: Does a child need two parents? Can a child be just as successful with only one parent, rather than two? What a lot of people seem to overlook is the fact that properly raising a child does not solely rely on family structure, but relies more on the parenting process or values that are taught to these children as they mature. Children raised by single parents can be just as progressive with emotional, social and behavioral skills as children with two parents, or “stronger” family structures as some would like to say. This is due to the fact that the emotional and behavioral success of children does not come from the number of parents they have, but what they make of what morals and values their parent(s) teach them.
People claim that the only way for children to achieve great behavioral and emotional skills is to be raised by two parents. A problem such as this one has too many variables to directly associate the problem with a single variable (such as strength of family structure). Robert L. Maginnis states in, “Single-Parent Families Cause Juvenile Crime”, “Children from single-parent families are more likely to have behavior problems because they tend to lack economic security and adequate time with parents” (Maginnis, Robert. “Single Parent Struggle”). Stating that single-parent adolescence creates an excess of pure criminals is absurd. Maginnis is mistaken because he overlooks the fact that it’s based on HOW a child is parented, not how MANY parents are present.
A lot of behavioral patterns in a child have to do with the type of environment they grew up in, not whether they have one or two parents. Although single parents go through the difficulty of raising their child alone by working full time to be able to pay the bills and provide for themselves and their child, and sometimes even having to work two jobs to financially provide for their child due to lack of help from a spouse, they are still more than capable of teaching their child basic behavioral skills. It’s all about dedication and commitment. The single parent must also find time to provide emotional support and spend time with their kid, and if they’re committed enough to do so, they will.
For example, I am currently a student athlete at Kean University. While being in the STEM program, I am also playing soccer at the division three level. Both of these activities take up an immense amount of my time, but with the right amount of motivation and commitment, I am able to maintain A’s in all of my classes as well as being a starting player on the soccer team. Some other examples of this sort of bias in single parent households are represented through kid’s grades and academic success. According to Dr. Bella DePaulo, studies were done based on grades between kids with two parents compared to kids with a single parent. She states, “What mattered was NOT how many parents there were, or whether the parents were biologically related to the children. Instead, what determines a child’s success is their determination and as much support from their parent(s)” (DePaulo, Bella. Single Parents and Their Children). I agree that a child with one parent is just as capable as receiving the same amount of support than those with two parents; a point that needs emphasizing since so many people still believe that a child with one parent cannot be as successful as those with two parents. It is all about the quality of parenting, not the quantity. I have three close friends that have grown up with only one parent due to divorce, death, or just the general absence of a mother/father. All of these friends of mine successfully graduated from high school, maintained appropriate GPA’s, and are successful college athletes at Towson University, Northeastern University and Stony Brook University. Would they have been just as successful with two parents? Maybe. But is the presence of two parents essential for a child to be academically and behaviorally stable? Absolutely not. These friends of mine have reached success because their single parent picked up the slack by making double the effort (working extra hours and paying for SAT tutors as needed) and provided double the support (showing up to sports events, developing a closer emotional relationship with their child, staying active in their child’s life, continuously teaching them right from wrong even through the toughest of situations) to ensure that their child would have a bright future. Anybody familiar with being associated with a single parent household should agree that this is more than possible to obtain.
Another factor that must be taken into account is the density of single-parent families in our modern society. Since 1995, the United States Census shows that out of children from ages 14-18, 42% live in a first marriage family with two parents, 22% live in a second marriage step-family, 21% live in a single parent, divorced or separated family, 6% live in a single parent never married family and 3% live in a single parent widowed family (Kreider, Rose. “Adopted Children and Stepchildren: 2010). These are horrifying statistics as they show that 58% of children in America are living in a single parent family. This percentage is frightening because it shows how little faith is put into a relationship or marriage before deciding to have children. Unfortunately, not ALL single-parents take out time in their day to properly raise their children. However, at the same time, not all married parents take time out in their day to properly raise their children either. Parents who thought they wouldn’t ever be able to provide emotional or financial stability for their children by themselves should have taken the time to think through what parenting alone would entail, as it is extremely unfair to the poor child who ends up having to suffer. Accidents do happen once in awhile, however, in most cases, the to-be parents know what is at stake when settling to have children. Simply, if you are not ready, then wait until you are. There are countless ways to enhance the life of your child if you simply learn to love and care for him/her and provide them with the proper morals and support.
Many will argue that a child with one parent will undergo greater mental illness, financial, and academic problems than those with two parents. In some cases, this tends to be accurate, putting the single-parent child at a disadvantage compared to children with two parents. According to Yulia Vangorodska, adolescents from single parent families were found to be three times more likely to be depressed than those living with two parents. Vangorodska’s theory is extremely useful because it sheds light on the difficult problem of overcoming and accepting the fact that your family is about to be torn apart, or that it already is. I myself can relate to this, as I was diagnosed with depression shortly after I found out that my mother and father were undergoing a divorce. For those with single mothers, nearly 70% of single parent mothers live in poverty and earn less than $13,000 annually. They have a tough time providing for their families because they usually have lower paying jobs. Due to these economic hardships, the children suffer by facing lower education levels and may have a harder time getting accepted to certain colleges. On the flip side, for those with single fathers, there is less communication and nurture provided to their children. (Vangorodska – “How Single Parent Households Affect Children”) Depending on which parent the child has/doesn’t have, they can be missing out on a huge component of their lives. While being financially stable is important for a family, emotional aspects such as comfort and nurturing are just as important, just in different ways.
In addition to this, growing up as a child with only a single parent can have negative long term emotional effects on them. For starters, low self-esteem is a common personal issue amongst children that grew up with only one parent. Children get their sense of security based on the circumstances that take place in their the home, which can affect how they view themselves and the world around them. Due to the circumstances of their childhood, their expectations of the world may be low if they grew up in an abnormal, one parent environment. They may not understand how to have a healthy marriage later in life if they never lived with both parents. Their lack of self-esteem can also derive from not getting enough attention from their only parent, which can make them feel bad about themselves, making it difficult to thrive both at home and in school. According to Modernmom, it can be easy for kids to feel lonely if they spend more time alone, which can make it challenging for them to learn how to socialize with other children. They may suffer from feeling abandoned by one of their parents and can have difficulty with connecting with other individuals due to a lack of confidence. If they feel like one of their parents doesn’t love them, they may not understand why someone else would see their value (Modernmom – “The Negative Effects of Single Parent Homes on Children”). These factors can not only impact a child’s general sense of self-esteem, but can also have an affect on their outlook on marriage and developing relationships in the future.
Again, I myself am a victim of a torn apart family as my parents underwent a divorce. Therefore, I understand what it’s like to be parented by two parents as well as one at a time. It is a very significant change; my household situation, my family’s financial situation, separate holidays, etc. Although it took an emotional toll on me at first, I was eventually able to get through it and accept the change. My GPA remained a 4.0, I started on my school soccer team, I never drank or used drugs, and I got my high school diploma. You see, a family dynamic with only one parent doesn’t necessarily put the child at a behavioral or academic disadvantage. However, I happened to be lucky enough to still get to attain the support from both my mother and father figure even though it is separate, and in a way, it changed who I am as a person today. This was possible because both of my parents have very different outlooks on life and they each have taught me different life lessons, using their own values to guide me through life.
Today, 25% of American children will spend some time of their childhood in a step-family (The Stepfamily Foundation.“Stepfamily Statistics”). Single parents tend to find ease in remarrying because they feel like they have a chance to start over in a new relationship and receive aid from their new partner both financially and emotionally. However, a step-parent can cause confusion and internal conflict with a child since it requires them to constantly adjust. From having only one parent to now having to a new parental figure, it can be emotionally stressful. Another result of bringing a new parent into a single family is the introduction of stress and annoyance from step-siblings. It may not be justified for a step-parent to discipline their step-child as if he/she was their own. As long as both parents understand that their family comes first and the importance of communication between themselves and the children, a step-family can survive and thrive.
Children who are raised with both a mother and a father (or two parents) get more attention from both parents and therefore get the required emotional time they need. This tends to be true, but not in all cases. It isn’t beneficial to grow up in a two parent family that does nothing but argue and destroy each other mentally. Naturally, a child who lives with this from a young age to when they are ready to be released into the world would demonstrate what they saw since childhood. Behavioral patterns from a child’s household can make the same transition when it comes to real life problems, because they do not know any better. Children who are raised by a single parent, who devotes their heart and soul into their child, benefit much more than a child who has two parents who demonstrate poor values.
However, a single parent household can actually enhance the child’s behavior, making them more mature and responsible for when they need to face real world problems. According to Modernmom, single parent households teaches independence and responsibility to children. Because single parents are already so busy, children should be encouraged to be like the member of a team and learn to do some things by themselves. Feeling part of a team helps children consider others, establish a good work ethic, and improve self-esteem and self-worth (Modernmom – “Advantages and Disadvantages for Children in A Single-Parent Family”).
Not all families are lucky enough to have a healthy and strong backbone. It is vital that society and the government notices these differences and takes immediate action. The government can fund programs to assist single-parent families with their childcare and finances. Whether it is a mother and a father, a single mother, or a single father, or two mothers, or two fathers, guidance is a necessity for children. Children are products of the values they are taught from their parental figures starting from a young age. Children are also heavily affected by the amount of love and compassion that is put into them throughout their life. Whichever family structure is implied, it must be filled with a plethora of respect and strong moral values that they can pass on to their family and last forever.
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